I was in a place where bombs were going off all over the place. My name was being tarnished, gossiped about and secrets of mine were being posted on the Internet. What I assumed as a good friend had hurt me and hurt me bad, and when confronted with what they had done vehemently denied it in front of my parents and two senior pastors. What course of action would you take, what did my parents and pastors suggest, and what was the final outcome after 2 years breakup? Here are some things to consider if you have a falling out with a best friend.
My Story
One of my friend's worst attributes was the habitual gossiping that he did in company. Let's call him Bob. I said to him once, "Do you realize Bob that there is not one person that we both know that you have not said something about?" He shrugged it off and continued his story. That should have been my warning. I should have known that when I was out of his company that he would be talking badly about me, but I am so innocent in my love, I just wouldn't believe it.
I struck up a friendship with another guy James and soon I was hearing reports James that all the Bob seemed to talk about when he met up with him at night was bad things about me. Over the years Bob had learned many things, many special things about me, and he went on to share that he thought my stories were bogus.
James started to tell me more and more that Bob wasn't being a true friend to me as he sat with people around and made fun of me.
Soon James and myself were becoming quite close and it came to a head one night when Bob was with us and exploded at the table that he may has not even be with us as we were ignoring him. The little green monster of "jealousy" had reared its ugly head. Bob went off in a storm and with the help of a third party logged onto YouTube to James and my account and wrote some very personal stuff about myself in a really mocking way. Bob also that night gave my silent number to an arch enemy of mine who began to harass me on the phone at all hours at night until I changed my phone number.
As a Christian, I sent the emails that Bob sent me full of threats and swearing to two senior pastors hoping one of them would call both Bob and me into a meeting so things could be settled with their input.
Jesus says confront the person that has wronged you, tell them plainly what they have done, and if they repent (admit they did wrong and ask you to forgive them and promise not too do it again.) then we are to forgive them.
At the meeting Bob would not admit to the senior pastor that he had posted the bad remarks on YouTube. If he had of done that, I would have forgiven him and made things right, but his own pride would not allow him to confess to it.
At that meeting I told the pastor that from this day on, I would still be courteous to Bob, but I would no longer mix with him socially as a friend. Bob thought this was very callous of me.
I was struggling inside as I did not have a lot of friends at the time and so I asked my father what I should do. Should I go back to being Bob's friend? My father said, "Matthew, if you had a dog and every time you came home it bit you on the leg what would you do with the dog?"
I replied, "You'd have to put it down or get rid of it."
My father replied, "This is not the first time Bob has hurt you and come against you. This is about the fourth time that your mother and I can count. It's time to say goodbye and keep away from him."
Well it says in the Bible to honor your mother and father and this carried me for a while and yet I still missed my friend and so I went to my other senior pastor at another church, who was a woman.
I asked her what I should do with my friendship with Bob. She told me to go home and write a list with all the good points about Bob and all the bad points. And have a look at the bad points and the good points and decide whether the good out weighs the bad or the bad out weighs the good. She said when you make the decision stick to it.
Well that decision was final, or so I thought until a few weeks ago. I was singing in praise and worship and it had been announced that I was finally published in my States Salvation Army Magazine. Jesus spoke into my ear and said to sign the article and go and give a copy to Bob. I did that and gave him a hug and we returned to being friends.
I had obeyed what my father had said and my pastors had said and now I had the verse that Jesus said, "If our brother sins against us we should forgive them 70 times 7."
The first night out together Bob admitted to me that he had done the youtube posting with help from a friend. ( the arch enemy)
But today there are new rules.
If Bob is found out gossiping about me and speaking down about me he will go back to being not my friend again for a period that the Lord chooses.
If Bob goes out with me, he is not personally allowed to gossip in my presence.
My head pastor at the Salvation Army( the only church I attend now) says that I have to have new rules and boundaries for myself. I have to agree with her.
So here are five points you can take from my story.
1.If someone is treating you bad a break from time spent in the friendship might do the other person some good and teach them a lesson.
2. It is always wise to consult people you admire that are in authority in your life about such important decisions. It is wise not to just go with your emotions.
3. It is good to get your friend to a meeting with a pastor or counselor, which is a third party, to talk about the issues.
4. Forgiveness is a good thing and it can change people, but setting new boundaries and rules for your friendship to exist on is a good way to go.
5. Jesus died and rose again to give us all a second chance, so if possible see if you can give others a second chance, even if the time your spend with them is greatly diminished.
So here I am. I am three weeks into a new relationship and my friend is beaming. He hasn't gone and told the pastors that he was really the one that posted the messages on YouTube, but then I guess they don't have to know.
I hope this has helped you.
Be Blessed
Matthew Robert Payne
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